


Alone.

by prettynialller



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alone castiel, Angry Dean Winchester, Angst, Break Up, Bunker, Dead Jack Kline, Dean Winchester - Freeform, Death, Depressed Castiel (Supernatural), Depression, Destiel - Freeform, Episode: s15e01 Back and to the Future, Episode: s15e03 The Rupture, Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Lonely Castiel (Supernatural), M/M, Men of Letters Bunker, SO SAD, Sad, Sam Winchester - Freeform, Supernatural - Freeform, argue, castiel - Freeform, castiel almost cries, dean and cas argue, dean cant forget, im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:42:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27166078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettynialller/pseuds/prettynialller
Summary: Mary is dead. Jack is dead. Sam is healing. Kind of. Dean is furious. Still. And Cas is alone.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Castiel/Jack Kline, Castiel/Sam Winchester
Kudos: 47





	Alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Set between 15.01 where Jack is dead and 15.03 before the big Destiel break up scene. Dean and Cas argue again and things are going majorly downhill for the two and Cas feels more alone than ever. Jack doesn't come back as a demon. Jack is like really really dead.

_You’re dead to me._

_You’re dead to me._

_You’re dead to me._

The phrase endlessly running through his head. Even now as he sat silently on the steps outside the bunker door. He comes out here often when he needs to be alone. When he needs to think. Sam was in the library with his head buried in research as usual. Dean is asleep in his bedroom. His bedroom, not _their_ bedroom anymore. 

They had fought again just that afternoon and Dean had stormed off to his room with a bottle of whiskey in his hand, the universal signal that he was turning in for the night and to not disturb him. Sam tried to comfort the Angel by telling him Dean just needed time. He’s said that far too much lately. He knew Sam was trying to make him feel better but he was getting sick of it. Cas had checked up on Dean a few hours later when he knew Dean had fallen asleep. He sat by his bed for a long while just watching Dean. He noticed how angry and miserable Dean looked even deep in his slumber. His face washed thick with a blanket of pain, pain that Castiel himself has caused.

He can’t forgive himself, he never would be able to. Even if somehow Dean forgave him. Mary would still be gone. Her absence would still linger in the air like a weighted blanket suffocating him. He could never take it back. He couldn’t believe how fast things had turned upside down. How fast it had all happened. And now Jack was dead. Jack was dead and he died thinking that Dean wanted to kill him. To eradicate him from existence. But he had stopped. Dean had talked himself down in his head. He couldn’t kill Jack. He couldn’t kill his own son.

He remembers it all too clearly. He remembers Dean with the gun in his hand. He remembers himself stepping in between Jack and Dean trying to talk Dean down. He remembers Jack throwing him aside with his powers facing Dean. He remembers Dean pointing the gun at Jack. He remembers Jack sinking down on his knees in front of Dean. He remembers Sam and Chuck showing up. And he remembers Chuck killing Jack. He remembers all of it.

Dean and him haven’t been the same since. Cas hasn’t been the same since. He feels a searing hole in his chest with the absence of Jack and Dean. He's lost his son and he’s lost Dean. He feels alone.

So, he sits on the cold steps, starring into the sky, thinking, hoping somehow things will get better. And he thinks of the argument the pair had only hours ago. The heated exchange of words the two had shared.

_HOURS AGO:_

_“Dean.”_

_“What Cas?” Dean said harshly. They were driving back from the store together in the Impala, music playing in the background. Dean needed to go into town for a few things and Castiel begged to tag along until Dean finally caved._

_Cas sighed and gave up, turning back to the window, watching as the trees flew by them. He always liked watching out of the Impalas window. Dean was a fast driver and he liked to watch everything blur past them in a flash of speed, it reminded him of flying. He missed his wings dearly._

_“Alright, good talk.” Dean rolled his eyes and shook his head frustratedly._

_“I wish,” Cas began, cutting himself off before continuing again more softly almost whispering. “I wish you’d let me stay with you. In our room.” Cas looked at Dean with pleading eyes waiting for a response. “Please, Dean.”_

_Dean sighed loudly. “No, Cas. I already told you, I need space. I already let you invade my supply run, please don’t push.”_

_“I’m not pushing Dean, it's just-it’s been weeks…”_

_“I said no Cas, drop it dammit.” Dean suddenly yelled. His sudden rough demeanor causing Castiel to flinch slightly. Cas dropped the subject he knew it was a lost cause and he didn’t want to push did back any further than he already was._

_“How are you, Dean?” Cas asked, trying to avert the subject somewhere else._

_“Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to,” Dean said blankly._

_“Dean, please. I’m trying to talk to you. I’m worried about you.”_

_“Yeah Cas? You’re worried? You weren’t worried when you failed to tell us that you thought Jack was becoming soulless! Now he’s out of the picture and mom. What’s to worry about now huh? Why are you worrying now?” Dean looked at Cas sharply. His eyes dark and angry. His stare burning into Cas and he had to look away. Cas’ heart cracked at the sound of Jacks' name. He missed him deeply and he knew it was his fault that he was dead. He couldn’t protect Jack like he promised he would. He wished it was himself dead instead of Jack._

_They were almost to the bunker and Cas was at a loss of words. He didn’t know what to say to make it better. He couldn’t make it better and that was the simple sad truth._

_“I can’t make it right Dean. I know that.”_

_“Yeah, you can’t because you lost that chance.” Dean spat at him. “You lost that chance when you kept that damned secret from me. So no you don’t get to be worried.”_

_If Cas would allow himself to cry he would be in a puddle of tears by now. He’s lost Dean, forever. He’s never felt farther from him. He’s never felt this lost._

_“Dean, no ones more mad at me than I am at myself,” Cas spoke softly.“I’ve failed myself, Dean. In more ways than one.”_

_Dean said nothing to that as he opened the Impalas driver door, stepped out, slamming the door shut behind him, hard._

_Castiel sat in the Impala for a long time, trying to calm himself. He was so close to breaking down. So lost. So tired. So alone. He hasn’t felt this alone since he was human when Dean had told him to leave the bunker. He remembers being completely alone then._

_Cas sat taking deep breaths before stepping out and making his was down the steps and inside the bunker the door creaking shut behind him._

And so Cas sat, looking up as the stars slowly dissipated as the sun began to rise. The cold wind blew around him and he wished things would get better. Wished that he would get his Dean back. That Dean could somehow forgive him someday. Maybe someday. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading if you did get all the way through it :) This was just a quick little story i had in my brain for a bit. As always kudos are appreciated comments are even better I'd love to hear all your thoughts thank you for your support :)


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